This is what a neighbor once told me when I asked her a question she didn’t remember the answer to. Huh?

She went on  to explain that her brain was much like an iceberg. It could only hold so much information—or so many penguins. When a new “penguin” wanted to jump on, an old “penguin” (older information) had to jump off to make room on the iceberg.

I found that to be an absolutely brilliant analogy.

Last week that figure of speech popped into my head in a slightly different form. I was chatting about people with troublesome (and often self-induced) issues always depending on me to fix everything and know everything. I am a softie, a doo-gooder and a pushover—once aptly nick-named “Helpy Helperton” by a friend—and am always sucked in to other people’s problems.

It seemed to me when I finally got rid of one crazy penguin, another one came along. Or, as I pondered, “As soon as one crazy penguin jumps off, another crazy penguin jumps on!”

I sometimes find myself surrounded by these big birds that, while interesting, cannot fly.

As I am getting older I am finding myself getting less tolerant, though. Maybe I am tired of the penguins’ make-believe problems, their self-absorption or their inability to see anything other than today or outside of themselves. Maybe I am tired of being mommy to the universe. I want the penguins to see there is a big, wonderful world out there full of exciting icebergs if they would just try to swim, try to explore, try to help themselves… but they don’t.

So—trying to cure myself of the ability to attract crazy penguins, I no longer jump in when someone needs minor rescuing. (The first step to changing any behavior is becoming aware of that you have a problem.) I no longer listen to tales of questionable behavior if those same penguins are going to cry on my shoulder about it later.  I no longer worry when the penguins repeatedly do dumb things. I now let the snowflakes fall where they may, and only now jump in in a true emergency (or for those who really want to help themselves).

Is it hard? Yes! But I need to focus on my family and my business(es) and keep my own iceberg afloat. Those crazy penguins? They’ll just have to find another iceberg to rest their laurels on. This one is full.

We are all surrounded by crazy penguins. It’s up to us if we allow them to jump on or not.

~Onward

Someday I will write my memoirs…and they will curl your hair.

I have been through, shall we say, a lot in my life. In the past, I always felt like a victim. “Poor me, with a terrible childhood, a bad marriage, alone and struggling. Wah wah wah.” I no longer “wah.”

Now, I look at my past and appreciate the fact that everything I have been through has truly made me who I am: a fighter.

• Every “glove that laid me down” has made me stronger.
• Every obstacle I’ve come across has made me work a little bit harder.
• Every bad experience and challenge has made me wiser.

So thanks life…for making me a fighter! Onward.

“I’ll never make it as a writer. It’s too hard to find an agent and get published. Plus I’m just a medium-good writer.” Those are words a mother never wants to hear…but I heard them tonight from my son.

My 15-year-old and I were driving home and talking about the future. I explained to him that some day very soon, all this glorious adult world of paying rent, car insurance, electricity, food, gas, and internet will be his. And, some day very soon, he has to start thinking about what he wants to do with his life.

We talked about graphic design (he is very talented) and I explained about outsourcing. We talked about social media, content creation, video and audio editing, which are all still growing fields. Secretly he wants to be a writer, so naturally I encourage him. Anything is possible, as I have myself have fairly recently discovered.

But when I heard those words tonight from my own flesh and blood I was disturbed.

Maybe he just isn’t into working hard, maybe he doesn’t believe in himself, or maybe this generation is simply a bit lazy. But to not pursue something because it’s too hard to succeed? To not even try?

Really? You’re not even going to give it a shot?

As someone who struggled my entire life (I was pretty much on my own from the age of 10) and taught myself every single skill I currently possess, I just can’t understand not even trying…especially someone who is young, smart and talented, with a loving mother who will support him. Once more I have to ask, “Really?”

So this got me wondering….
….why so many people never get ahead.

I know the answer: Because they don’t try and are afraid to fail. I’ve been there, done that, worn the t-shirt.

I spent my entire life living someone else’s life, never pursuing my own dreams. I did every job in the book (and did them pretty darn well), but never truly pursued the one thing that made me happy: Writing.

Why? The same reason why others don’t. I was afraid to fail at it, so I didn’t even try. In my heart I was always a writer, and wanted to be since I was a little girl. I wrote for the school paper in college, dabbled in business writing throughout my various careers. I never wrote actively, though, until the same life-changing experience that helped me lose over 80 pounds happened: The death of my father.

Suddenly, I was free from fear of failure.

I decided to go for every job opportunity that came my way, and did so with gusto. Sometimes I failed, sure, but I just tried harder the next time. I conquered obstacle after obstacle, falling on my face a few times along the way.

But do you know what? I survived all those falls on my face – and kept on going, asking myself “what’s the worst that can happen?”

What I discovered is that not doing anything is far worse than pursuing something and failing at it. Not pursuing your dreams at all kills you from the inside.

So when my son wanted to give up before he even began,  it lit me up like fireworks on the 4th of July. I wanted to pull over and shake some sense into him, but all I did was say, sarcastically, “You are more than a medium-good writer. But you’re right. It’s hard. So how come a high school dropout like me with no photography training ended up in a photo pit shooting photos of KISS, 30 Seconds to Mars, and Linkin Park? Because it’s too hard?”

And then I made a snorting noise (inside).

Have you overcome a fear of failure? And if so, what made you change?

Onward.

Photo: ©Flickr: dualities

These past five years, I have done things I never thought I would do. I took chances, tried radical new things, defied the people around me who said I couldn’t, wouldn’t, shouldn’t.

This last year alone, I have done things I never dreamed I would do – things that I can’t even share with you. If you would have told me less than a year ago I would be doing some of these things, I would have cringed and laughed in your face. Not me. Nope. I’m a sissy girl.

But guess what? No matter how far out of my comfort zone I have gone (and trust me – I left the comfort zone miles ago), I can unequivocally say that I am still alive. I have survived. All the things that used to scare me that I have now done have…not…killed…me.

Imagine that.

Maybe our fears are only designed to hold us back?

Unless it’s illegal or dangerous…what do you really have to lose?  Take a chance very now and then…Be creative – gutsy – bold.

In 20 years, don’t look back at your life in disappointment. Look back at your life with a giggle. And  blush.

Onward.

It’s Christmas Eve morning and I am waiting for the kids to wake up and open their presents.

Things are a bit backwards this year, but that’s what happens after a divorce. We are on an “every second Holiday” rotation. Last year my was turn on Christmas Day, this year it’s my ex’s. So this year – the kids and I are having Christmas on Christmas Eve.

I got a sub for my Spinning class this morning, stuffed the stockings late last night, and am just waiting for that magical moment when the kids come down the stairs. It’s not quite as fun as when they were little (they are 12 and 15 now), but hey – Santa’s still Santa and (s)he brought me chocolate, too.

When you put a thought into your mind, when you make yourself truly believe something, reality doesn’t really matter. For us, today is Christmas. No fighting, no tears, no drama, no stress. When the kids and I have “Christmas” (no matter what day it is), it’s filled with peace, happiness and love.

As long as we’re together, it doesn’t matter if it’s the 24th of the 25th. It’s whatever day we choose to believe it is.

We’ve made the best of our situation and now – five years post-divorce – we are getting used to things. We keep some older traditions and create new ones along the way…new traditions that are ours and ours alone (like our Jack Skellington-themed Christmas tree. Black, purple and orange all the way!). The kids are learning that life is fluid, changes like the tide, and constantly brings us new opportunities. And yet – through it all – our love and little family is the rock that anchors us.

Peace out. Gotta go check out my stocking.

~Helen

This song always makes me choke up.

Although the 1984 song “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” was aimed at reminding us about world hunger, there are people right under our noses who have no food for the Holidays and no gifts to open on Christmas Day. We read story after story in the newspaper about families unemployed, single moms struggling, people unable to work because of serious illness – all facing a dismal Holiday season.

There is no “ho” in many Holidays this year.

But there is a silver lining. There are people out there who care and bend over backwards to help others. Radio stations give away Christmas money to deserving families, cancer organizations bring joy to people affected by illness, domestic violence organization makes sure their clients’ children have gifts to open, and community organizations pack and bring Holiday food baskets to those without.

These people put some “ho” back into holidays.

So to these unsung heroes I say “thank you!” Few things are harder on children than being poor…and not having anything for Christmas makes you feel poorer than poor. I was once a mom-in-need, and a local organization held a Christmas party for all of us  single moms. They fed us, gave us gifts, and made our children feel important. The amazement and gratitude I saw in my childrens’ eyes over the kindness of strangers is something I will never forget.

That’s what makes these individuals so special. They selflessly give of themselves, their time and their money to spread a little Christmas joy unto others…making sure no child goes without at least a little something.

That, after all, is what the season is about. Helping others – and giving from the heart.

So if you have a moment, find a way to help.

Bring a little gift.
Help someone pick up their tree.
Grab a few groceries.
Buy someone a coffee.

People out there need you….and when you help – even just a little – they’ll know it’s Christmas.

~Helen

Remember this?

Do They Know It’s Christmas
Video – 1984

Photo: ©Flickr: jayneandd

“Life is like doing intervals. Sometimes you work hard and sprint. Other times you slow down and recover. But without enough ‘recoveries’ you can’t sprint – at least for long. No recoveries = burnout.“

“I walk this empty street, on the Boulevard of Broken Dreams.” ~Green Day

I am a team player. In my 20-year marriage, I definitely played by the rules. Good wife, stellar mom, income-producing partner. I never cheated and gave more than I took. OK, so I was neither a great cook nor very sexy, but I was a good, reliable team member…maybe the sort that MVPs are made of. But in real life, there are no MVPs. There are only “trys”…and “try nots.” I was a “try” – to the end.

Now things are different. I am five years single, finally adjusting to the life, and really loving my kids. It’s very much a challenge still – I am longing for a new pair of pants, but my son needs a hair cut and my daughter needs braces. C’est la vie.

In the spirit of single parentdom, I have compiled a list of 10 things I’ve learned as a single mom (many of these apply to dads, too.) Add yours, if you’d like. I’d love to hear your take.

Here we go:

10. It’s not necessary to shave your legs every day. Some times, ya’ know, you just don’t have time and really – who’s looking?

9. Your son is not your ex . Repeat after me. Your son is not your ex. Don’t ever forget that.

8. Pancakes are OK for dinner every now and then. The kids won’t die without meat and boy – syrup and whipped cream taste really, really good.

7. There is no such thing as buying something for yourself. The kids come first. You wear those panties until the elastic falls off, Missy.

6. Setting the rules for your own household is pretty exhilarating. It’s like being a real grownup, and you don’t have to consult “someone else.” It’s your house. Your rules. And that rocks.

5. You realize you are far more capable of fixing things around the house than you thought. Wrench, anyone?

4. Being alone on a holiday is not entirely bad. After the first few traumatic years, you learn to enjoy the quiet. There might be a tear or two, but they grow farther and farther between as the years pass.

3. The kids will be OK. Stop fretting and just do your best.

2. Material things mean nothing. Don’t worry about what you can’t buy at Christmas-time and just love them.

1. You can survive anything. “I am woman, hear me roar.” Roar on.

Onward.

“But there never seems to be enough time, to do the things you want to do.”
~Time in a Bottle/Jim Croce

There is never enough time to do the things we want to do, so this weekend I did something completely different and unlike me: I took back time, and made it mine.

Work has consumed so much of my life, whether with client projects, free projects or my own projects. I’ve worked day and night, seven days a week, for as long as I can remember. I have probably sat on my sofa and watched TV or a movie less than 10 times in 10 years. I usually feel TV is a complete waste of my time (thanks, grandma. Sigh.)

This weekend, though, I finally came to the realization that my time is running out. I am always jumping through hoops for design clients, pulling all-nighters and working through weekends to meet deadlines, never allowing myself more than a brief moment to enjoy life.

I came to the realization this week that if I get hit by a bus tomorrow I’m going to be really, really pissed that I wasted so much time.

We all wait for the “perfect time” to do things, but the perfect time never comes because there is no “perfect time.”

We never want to wake up one day and realize that our time is gone and that we used it up on things that were not all that important, believing that there would be plenty of time for the “important” things later. Our lives can change on a dime – in an instant – and we can be left with no more time available.

What would you do if you knew you had no more time left?

For me, I am adding small things back into my life that are important. I eat meals with my children now (or if I’ve already eaten in the morning, for example, I just sit with them and talk). I turn off my cell periodically to focus on the “real” people right in front of me instead of the virtual world. I spend a few moments cuddling on the sofa watching a movie with the kids, or just talking about life (I learn so much, too). I make time for a lunch or coffee break with someone important, without allowing the nagging “you have projects to  finish” voices to completely take over.

Work is important, sure. And as a single mom, I need all the money I can get  just to stay afloat. But is it THE most important thing?

Six months from now, will anyone care if you took 15 minutes to play with your kids (other than your kids, of course)? Will anyone care that you missed a deadline by a few hours? Will anyone remember that you skipped a day of work, or a class, or turned in a project late? I think not. But you might have forever made an impact on someone else by finding that extra 15 minutes to spend time with them. Time, after all, is our most valuable commodity.

So take some time…make it yours…and live. If someone has a problem with it, tell them to go get a life.

Onward.

“When you come to a fork in the road, take it!” ~Yogi Berra

Sometimes you only have a split second to make a decision: go left, or right. Stay, or leave. Stop or continue. You’ve hit a fork in the road of life and are unsure which direction to choose.

I am at a crossroads myself right now. I have many irons in the fire – from marketing, design and writing, to personal training, Spinning and growing an apparel line. Of course, this is on top of raising children as a single mom and running a household. Something has to give and I am wondering what to let go of.

At the top of the “chopping block list” is my apparel line because it’s time-consuming, challenging, expensive and slow going. But it’s also rewarding to turn a dream into reality and see people wearing my shirts – while raising money for a cause that is important to me: domestic violence.

Sigh.

Every day is filled with choices, or “forks in the road.” Many are so small we don’t notice or pay attention to them. But occasionally larger choice options present themselves and we have to decide on one specific path or another. How many times has that happened to you? And how much have you agonized over a decision?

Making the “right” choice is never easy because there is no “right” choice. For every choice you make there is a reaction, both positive and negative. And what seems the best thing at the moment may not work in the long run, and vice versa. Sometimes a choice you immediately regret making turns out to be better in the long run.

So how do you know which direction to go in? You don’t.

If it’s a large decision, first go with your gut feeling. Your instincts are usually correct, so trust them. If your gut is unusually quiet, write all the pros and cons down in two separate columns and see if you can figure out logically what the best solution is. If you can’t pick a clear path, then “eeny meeny” it and go on. I’m serious. At that point, there is no right answer, so pick one and forge ahead with no regrets (and no beating yourself up over it, either). Take a chance on “door 2,” without wondering forever what was behind “door 3.” That will kill you.

“Eeny meeny miny moe, make your decision and off you go.  Don’t second guess and don’t look back, just keep moving right along the track.”